Since the release of ’20 things that PISS ME OFF about commercial gyms – Part 1′ last week, we have been inundated with Facebook messages, e-mails and text messages,
Most of these messages confessed admiration for our ballsy approach towards the ‘Health and Wellness’ centres where physical mediocrity is not only accepted but preached.
Various clients in the legal profession warned us to ‘err on the side of caution’ in case certain manufactures of ‘vibrating platforms’ got offended. Let’s hope they have more important things to worry about!
Even my mother left me a Facebook message, pointing out that ‘Star Trek’ and ‘dissillusioned’ had been spelt incorrectly – sorry mother, will do better this time hopefully!
So, without further a do, here is the much anticipated Part 2 (11-20)
11) People who wear Beanie hats and other fashion accessories in the gym! – Unless your name is Dave Tate or you happen to be a serious bad-ass i don’t even want to see you with your hood up! Take off that ridiculous hat, mini-cashmere scarf and those Cristian Audigier jeans… they will NOT help you add weight to the bar OR pick up girls. Don’t you realise you look like a f*****g IDIOT??! WTF 8*
12) Gym managers that know Jack S**t! –
Now this might not look like your A-typical gym manager but you can bet your bottom dollar that lurking within the magnolia walls and uber comfortable surroundings of your Health and Wellness Centre, there will be a desk-bound jobsworth, a glorified sales rep. .. the elusive gym manager!
This person doesn’t care about you or your results, all they care about is how many new members they can cram through the doors. He/she probably just plays with bits of paper all day and uses irritating acronyms like ‘FTE’ This person has probably never felt the caress of cold steel on the fingertips and when it comes to training, doesn’t know their arse from their elbow! Their idea of a 1RM is the furthest they have thrown last months sales figures into the waste paper basket! WTF 9*
13) People who talk a great game then ask for a spot on 60kg! – I DON’T GIVE A S**T WHAT YOU USED TO BENCH!!! If you tell me you can bench 120 then you’d better be pretty damn sure you can bench 120 because when the bar comes crashing down on your windpipe, I won’t be there to bicep curl it up for you! WTF 7*
14) The Overweight Fitness Manager – Do I really need to go into this?
“Now listen up guys, the best way to burn fat is that vibrating platform thingy!”
You can’t seriously tell me how I should train my clients when you clearly have never seen the inside of a gym or if you have it must have been through a rose tinted, Krispy Kreme doughnut haze! Instead of boring me with targets, how about you target that spare tyre with some barbell complexes hmm! WTF 8*
15) The person who needs a spot on rep 4 then tries to squeeze another 6 reps out! – This is always good for a laugh! “Yep, yep, i’ve got it…. my bar….No, no just give me a little hand and i’ll go again!”
If you read Part 1 then you will immediately recognise the ‘It’s all you’ approach that has to be employed here! When the bar is descending at the speed of a scud missile and you find the bicep curl back to the top position is getting harder and harder AND the lifter is still adamant that he has ‘another 2 reps in me’ then you know it’s time to rack the bar, mutter an obscenity and walk off! WTF 8*
16) ‘Balance Training’ – I realise that i may be leaving myself open to a whole load of abusive messages from avid ‘wobble board/disc’ thingy mgiggy fans and personal trainers from all over the world but the thing is….. i really don’t care!!
“But my physio said that i need to do my rehab on a wobbly, semi-circular rubber disc in order to strengthen my ankles”
Yes, I concede, this is true for some post injury rehab work.. there I said it!
However, if you’re not injured, and this is the thing that really hacks me off… maybe just maybe, and don’t shoot the messenger here but how about you first try your standing on one leg balancing act on a stable, FLAT surface! It’s hard enough trying to perform a strict set of pistol squats on the floor let alone on some over turned semi-circular rubber disc! And let’s face it, when will you ever be in a situation where the floor magically starts to tilt? And don’t be a smart-alek, if you want to work your ‘core’ why don’t you try a set of Dead Lifts on for size? WTF 8*
I can’t decide who I want to scream at more….
“How was your super-functional work-out?”
“Oh yeah man, mine was great, my core got worked a treat!”
17) PT’s who can’t teach the most basic lifts – Instead of trying to baffle your client with tabata jumping dumbbell squats (Great for the advanced trainee of course!) and single leg Siberian twisting Medicine ball lunges why don’t you learn how to coach a f*****g back squat properly? WTF 9*
18) The member who performs the same routine EVERY week, EVERY month, all year long and then pisses and moans when they get NO results! –
“But my mate Dave has been training for 10 years, he’s a big lad and he says that if i keep adding weight to my drop-set chest flies i will stack the size on!”
Look, I don’t know your mate Dave but if he’s anything like you then he must be a f*****g idiot aswell! I’m not trying to help you break through the plateau for the benefit of my own health. Fine, don’t listen to me… you keep your creatine induced, water-retention-swollen arms and your Chest and Tris programme and f**k off!! WTF 8*
19) PT’s that do internal qualifications and then instantly become an expert authority on!….. – In my humble opinion, taking part in a 2 hour Kettle Bell ‘master class’ led by some pimply faced PT Trainer who at first glance doesn’t look old enough to be your offspring, does NOT make you the leading light on one of the most difficult and taxing physical disciplines.
In some gyms, poor unsuspecting members are cajoled into taking part in poorly taught, dangerous, sometimes frantic kettle bell swinging sessions? Just to name one example…
I’m not pointing the finger of blame at the fitness professionals, who as a direct result of attending stupid fluff-filled courses, unwittingly become qualified in losing muscle and gaining fat! more at the paper-pushing Fatness Managers…. sorry, did I say ‘Fatness’? I meant Fitness Managers! WTF 7*
20) People who don’t put their weights back! – I bet you were wondering when this was going to rear its ugly head! It beggars belief how people can load the bar with a zillion kgs of weight and then expect them to somehow fly back onto the weight trees all by themselves! Oh sorry, did you think that the magical, tiny weight pixies did it for you? Or did you think that it is the duty of the hapless Fitness Professional who has been slaving all shift just to keep your grubby paw prints off the benches!
Seriously, how lazy can you be?? Thank the good lord above that you don’t train in our gym… and another thing, for those choice few stars that actually do bother to begrudgingly roll their weights back to the racks, could you at least spare a few brain cells in order to think for a second and then put them back, and here’s the really super-amazing bit….*insert drum roll* where you got them from? BINGO!!!
I don’t know about you but NOTHING pisses me off more than a f******g pig sty of a weights rack where you have to break your F*****G back in order to get the 40s out as some bright spark with all the brain capacity of a dead chicken has decided to place them right on the top tier at the back so you have to reach over 2 feet in order to pick them up! Grrrr!! WTF 10*
Well, there you have it, my top 20 things that piss me off about commercial gyms!
To be honest, I think there may well be another instalment to follow as i’m not convinced we’ve covered all the topics, just scratched the surface really!
If YOU have any suggestions for future rants I will be more than happy to consider them and you will get credited after your quote! All ideas below please or send us an e-mail at:
I’ll e-mail our e-mail accounts manager and instruct them to have a look at it then they will probably pass it on to the sales department who will pass it over to the admin department who will then promptly lose it and deny all knowledge that it ever existed! ;-P
Hope you enjoy the blog!
As always, stay STRONG!!
Strength and Performance Coach