The time has come my friends, to vent some LONG overdue steam on the fluffy, cotton wool-wrapped, namby pamby so called ‘Health and Wellness’ Centres!
A Health and Wellness Centre…
These places are packed full of all the latest new fangled, over priced gizmos and over-complicated machinery that wouldn’t be out of place in the next Star-Trek movie!
Such gyms make the MOST money from innocent, dissilusioned members who pay huge amounts of cash and then don’t attend from one month to the next. Should it be allowed? I’ll let you decide!
I’ve taken the trouble of writing down just a few of my all-time pet hates about the corporate beast and some of the cretins (sorry!..) who inhabit them. Lets start with Part 1 and we’ll get on to Parts 2 and 3 next week. I will be welcoming comments below.
1) No lifting in bare feet/socks. Look, IT’S VERY SIMPLE, dead lifting in trainers with a heel is going to F up my form and risk injury! I don’t want to get injured so I choose to remove my trainers. I’ll take the consequences if i’m stupid enough to drop a s**t load of weight on my foot! WTF 8*
2) No chalk – Why not?? So it’s messy… who cares? Have you not made enough profit this year to afford to pay someone to clean up the gym properly? WTF 6*
3) ‘Easy listening’ music – No, no, NO! If i wanted to hear Ronan Keating and Lulu singing ‘If tomorrow never comes, i would have gone to see Boyzone in concert! WTF 8*
4) ‘Vipr’ training (the latest in ‘functional’ training from the M.I.B (Mindless Idiots Brigade!) – Functional?? I’ll give you ‘functional’ in a minute…. how about i stick my ‘functional’ foot up your ‘functional’ ass!!!! Next time i’ll jump on a Powerplate to show how to do functional *cough* WTF 7*
5) ‘Vibrating Platforms’ – A prime example of Gimmeckery at it’s finest! Unless you suffer from MS or are doing a tiny bit of rehab/stretching then i don’t want to hear the ‘P’ word! Why don’t these so called gyms try spending the money on more Barbells, Dumbbells, Power-racks and other useful pieces of equipment? WTF 9*
6) People who read newspapers on treadmills, X-trainers or any other useless piece of cardio equipment! – It takes a special type of gym-goer to believe that walking at the pace of a 2 year old while reading the latest copy of Reveal magazine will magically melt away that stubborn fat! Hmm…… WTF 6*
7) Half reps – This includes Personal Trainers, and/or spotters who allow, even encourage half reps during a set or a 1RM for example! You know who you are and i don’t care how you justify it unless you’re deliberately doing a rack lock-out or floor press, YOU’RE F*****G WRONG!!! This will take up too much space if i complete my rant in full so i’ll skip to the end.. Grrrr! WTF 9*
8 ) The “It’s all you” crew – Going along the same lines as point 7, it’s NOT ‘all you’ if the neanderthal spotter behind you is bicep curling the bar for you!! WTF 8*
yes, yes, YES…. get it, it’s ALL YOU!!!… (note the half rep here)
9) The person who asks “How many more sets you got on there mate”? while you’re halfway through a set of heavy military press.
– First of all, i’m not your ‘mate’ and just because you can see my eyes in the mirror it doesn’t mean I want to strike up a f*****g conversation halfway through busting my ass you inconsiderate moron!! How about next time you’re struggling with your partial rep heavy squat, I come over and suggest you go down ALL the way – see how you like the distraction! WTF 8*
10) Personal Trainers prescribing stupid exercises for their clients! – This is brilliant! The MOST stupid exercise I have EVER seen in my whole training life was this… I hope I do it justice!……The client holds a medicine ball with outstretched hands and performs a sideways jump into a squat onto a Powerplate which is vibrating on full speed!!….
*Leaving time in anticipation of a sharp intake of breath, long sigh or spontaneous laughter from anyone who is reading this*…..
If you don’t see the problem here then please DO NOT leave a comment below. WTF 10*
For anyone else, please feel free to comment.
Strength and Performance Coach.